We are the parents of an adopted child from China. When we first started looking into international adoption, we were quite taken with the PR campaigns waged by the Russian adoption agencies. We'd even gone so far as to put down a $500 deposit on an application. But we continued doing research. One troubling tipoff was a quote from an adoptive family in the agency brochure reporting their post-adoptive status: "fine." Just one word. And not a glowing word.
Over the next few months, after more learnings about russian adoptions which 6 years ago were well known as likely to be troublesome due to things like fetal alcohol syndrome, aids, and orphanage conditions worse than most, we switched to China especially after speaking to a couple from my mother-in-law's office who had nothing but great things to say about their agency, the transparency of the Chinese intl adoption process, and the relative health of chinese institutionalized kids.
But we also struggled, post adoption, to find resources to help us with delayed development. What we found were lots of services to help parents without financial resources - basic medical assessment services like vision and hearing. We finally found an organization to help us with a child who at 10 months old was only at a 4-6 month developmental level. She couldn't hold her own bottle, didn't have fine motor control and couldn't manipulate toys, and had a bald patch on the back of her head from lying in a crib all day. To my daughter's credit, with her will to survive and our inexpert but loving care, she was able to progress thru 8 months worth of developmental goals in 4 months. By the time we'd gotten the right help on board, she had pretty much caught up by herself.
We were fortunate. There is this false belief that "love will conquer all". As we all know, love alone can't repair failing marriages or business relationships or parent-child relations. One of the tragedies of the human condition is that adults are required to parent children with unique challenges that sometime exceed the ability of said imperfect, untrained but well-meaning parents.
I have some sympathy for the parents but I have to wonder where was the social services agency in this? The family could not have adopted without a initial homestudy followed by in home visits. They only had the boy since the end of last year - less than 6 months. Did they reach out for help locally? As the parent you are expected to remain the voice of sanity. You are supposed to do something rational before it gets to the point of no return.
It's not just a parenting issue. Adoptions can involve behavioral issues that local social and medical agencies are unfamiliar with. And it's not just an adoption issue - or are all biological kids innately in-tune with their parents and present fewer challenges?
There are millions of kids in orphanages world wide that would be much better off in permanent homes. International adoption should not be the first choice of a country but can be successful. What is needed is two things. One: eliminate the financial transaction aspect of adoptions that prioritizes the completion of "adoption transactions" over the well-being of adoptees. Two: create a mechanism to build a critical mass of knowledge, world-wide, about adoption issues and get it out to prospective and existing adoptive parents.
" "We believe there is a culture of secrecy surrounding adoptions so as not to impede the flow of adoptions happening, but in the process, thousands of families are traumatized and scarred," said Skeirik. "We believe it is possible to be both an adoption advocate and honest about the significant costs."
Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, agrees that all agencies, institutions and countries involved in adoption need to be more forthcoming with information about children. He said support is needed for all families -- those with biological, foster and adoptive children.
"There are insufficient resources for parents who need help with their kids, period," he said. "It's not about scaring people off adoption, but helping people do a good job as parents." "
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